I JUST WATCHED FRIDAY'S LAST NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN AND IT WAS REALLY NICE TO SEE SOMEONE FUNNY FINALLY HOSTING THAT SHOW AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! HIS GUESTS WERE TOM HANKS WHO WAS THERE TO PROMOTE GINGER ALE OR SOMETHING AND NEIL YOUNG WHO IS AN OLD HIPPIE WHO PLAYS TERRIBLE MUSIC AND WILL FERREL WHO IS A TERRIBLE SINGER!!! ALSO, STEVE CARRELL WAS THERE BUT HE WAS JUST FILLING OUT SOME PAPERWORK!
IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD SHOW BUT THERE WEREN'T A LOT OF LAUGHS AND AT ONE MOMENT CONAN WAS TALKING ABOUT NBC OR SOMETHING AND HE ALMOST CRIED! THAT'S NO WAY TO HOST A TALK SHOW!!! KEEP THAT KIND OF THING UP AND YOU WON'T LAST MORE THAN 7 MONTHS! OF COURSE IF NBC IS WILLING TO LET LENO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF LATE-NIGHT TV FOR SO LONG BEFORE FORCING HIM TO HAND IT OVER TO SOMEONE MUCH MORE TALENTED AND SEXY I DON'T SUPPOSE CONAN HAS TO WORRY ABOUT BEING OUT OF A JOB ANY TIME SOON!!!
I CAN'T TALK FOR TOO LONG THOUGH BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO DOWN TO HAITI AND PUNCH THE EARTHQUAKES AWAY FOR A WHILE!!! IT IS REALLY SAD WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE PEOPLE AND EVERYONE SHOULD DO WHAT THEY CAN TO HELP OUT! I WANTED TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HOW NOBODY NOTICED OR CARED OR EVEN REMEMBERS ABOUT ANOTHER PLACE WHERE A NATURAL DISASTER HAPPENED LAST YEAR OR THE YEAR BEFORE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER IF AND WHEN AND WHERE THAT MIGHT BE!!!
LOST IS COMING BACK NEXT WEEK AND I'M SO EXCITED I HAVE EGGS! GET IT!? BECAUSE I'M EXCITED!!!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
GET READY FOR BRAN MUFFINS!!!
I WROTE A STORY ONCE TOO SO HERE IT IS ENJOY IT!
---
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY AND HIS NAME WAS DOROTHY AND HE WAS RIDING HIS BIKE DOWN A STREET AND SUDDENLY THERE WAS A DOG! HE WAS RIDING HIS BIKE AWAY FROM THE DOG BUT THE DOG WAS RUNNING! OH GOD SUDDENLY THE BOY IS BITTEN BY THE DOG AND HE IS CRYING!!! HE GOES HOME AND HE STARTS TO FEEL WEIRD AND SUDDENLY HE GROWS HAIR EVERYWHERE! THIS IS THE MAGIC OF PUBERTY!!!
NOW YOU ARE A MAN SON HIS DAD SAYS TO HIM AND HE GROWS UP TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT WHICH IS A VERY BORING JOB BUT HE IS ALSO A SUPERHERO WITH THE POWER TO SHOOT PLASTIC LIGHTNING BOLTS OUT OF HIS HANDS!!! CRAP SUDDENLY A BAD GUY APPEARS AND IS TEARING UP A BANK WITH HIS BEAR HANDS BECAUSE HE IS PART BEAR AND THE SUPERHERO ACCOUNTANT RUNS TO THE BANK AND STABS OUT THE BAD GUYS EYEBALLS!!! THE NEWSPAPERS ARE HAPPY AND REPORT ABOUT A HERO EXCEPT FOR ONE BECAUSE IT IS AN ASS PAPER AND IT SAYS THAT THE SUPERHERO WAS THE BAD GUY BECAUSE HE KILLED AN INNOCENT BEAR AND ALSO HE WAS THE ONE WHO DESTROYED THAT BUS! WITH BOMBS!!!
SO THE SUPERHERO PUNCHES A TELEPHONE!@!!#
WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME HE SCREAMS AND THEN JESUS COMES DOWN FROM SPACE AND SAYS WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP OR I'M GOING TO EXPLODE YOUR FEET! THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS THE SUPERHERO SAYS AND THEN THEY START PUNCHING EACH OTHER AND JESUS HEAD FLIES OFF LIKE IN ROCKEM SOCKEM ROBOTS!!! THEY SHOULD MAKE A ROCKEM SOCKEM ROBOTS MOVIE WITH LOTS OF HIGH DRAMA AND ACTION AND BRITTANY MURPHY AS THE RED ROBOT'S GIRLFRIEND!!!
SUDDENLY THE CATHOLIC POPE COMES TO AMERICA TO BEAT UP THE SUPERHERO FOR KNOCKING JESUS'S BLOCK OFF BECAUSE THE POPE CAN SHOOT REAL LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HANDS BUT THE SUPERHERO CAN ALSO CLIMB UP TRUCKS AND THE POPE CAN'T SO THE SUPERHERO HAS THE ADVANTAGE AND THE TRUCK DRIVES AWAY AND THE SUPERHERO LAUGHS AND THEN THE POPE GETS IN A HELICOPTER!!!
THERE ARE ADORABLE PUPPIES ON TV!!! HOLD ON I HAVE TO WATCH THEM! I LOVE PUPPIES!!!!
SO THE POPE IS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND THEN HE LANDS ON THE TRUCK AND HE GETS OUT AND THE SUPERHERO AND THE POPE KUNG FU FIGHT!!! ROCK MUSIC IS BLARING AND THE FIGHT IS INTENSE AND THE TRUCK IS DRIVING AND THE HELICOPTER FLIES AWAY AND A OLD LADY SAYS NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING!!!!! THE POPE IS DEAD NOW!!!
THE SUPERHERO FLIES BACK TO HIS HOME PLANET OF SATURANUPTUNE!!! HE EATS A HEALTHY MEAL OF MOON ROCKS AND WATCHES THE GLARPNOB AND HIS WIFE IS LIKE HELLO HONEY I PREPARED YOU A HEALTHY MEAL OF MOON ROCKS AND NOW LETS MAKE 12 BABIES!!! IT IS SEXY TIME IN SPACE!!!!!!!!
THE NEXT DAY THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF GOVERNMENTS HAS A MEETING AND A PRESIDENT OF A PLANET IS ASSASSINED AND THE SUPERHERO HAS TO FIND THE KILLERS AND SAVE THE PRESIDENT!!! HE GOES TO A BUILDING AND FIGHTS A NINJA AND THEN THE BUILDING EXPLODES BUT HE ESCAPES! JESSICA BIEL IS VERY PRETTY I THINK SHE SHOULD PLAY THE SPACE WIFE!!! THEN HE GOES TO A BOXING MATCH AND HE WATCHES THE BOXERS BOXING AND THEN HE TALKS TO A GUY WITH SUNGLASSES AND THE GUY HANDS HIM AN ENVELOPE AND THERE IS MUCH INTRIGUE BECAUSE WHAT IS INSIDE COULD IT BE A MICROCHIP OR DOCUMENTS!?
THEN THE SUPERHERO GOES TO A BUILDING AND HE TALKS TO A GUY AT A DESK AND THE GUY IS ALL SO YOU KNOW MY EVIL PLANS AND THEN HE THROWS THE SUPERHERO INTO THE PAST AND THE SUPERHERO FIGHTS SOME RAPTORS!!! RAPTORS ARE THE COOLEST DINOSAUR EVEN COOLER THAN THE T-REX!!!!!
THE SUPERHERO TEACHES CAVEMEN TO USE FIRE AND COOK BONES AND THE CAVEMEN TEACH THE SUPERMAN HOW TO THROW ROCKS AT OTHER ROCKS!!!
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SUPERHERO GOES TO THE FUTURE WHERE THE GUY IS AND HE USES EVERYTHING HE HAS LEARNED TO DEFEAT THE BAD GUY AND THEN THE POLICE SHOW UP AND HAUL THE BAD GUY AWAY AND THEN A REPORTER SAYS HOW DID YOU KNOW HOW TO DEFEAT HIM AND THE SUPERHERO SAYS IT IS ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON AND THEN HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH A PAINT BRUSH!!!!!!!!
THE CREDITS ROLL AND THERE IS A NEW SONG MADE FOR THE MOVIE BY HIT SENSATIONAL FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE IS A PREVIEW OF THE MOVIE!!!
---
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY AND HIS NAME WAS DOROTHY AND HE WAS RIDING HIS BIKE DOWN A STREET AND SUDDENLY THERE WAS A DOG! HE WAS RIDING HIS BIKE AWAY FROM THE DOG BUT THE DOG WAS RUNNING! OH GOD SUDDENLY THE BOY IS BITTEN BY THE DOG AND HE IS CRYING!!! HE GOES HOME AND HE STARTS TO FEEL WEIRD AND SUDDENLY HE GROWS HAIR EVERYWHERE! THIS IS THE MAGIC OF PUBERTY!!!
NOW YOU ARE A MAN SON HIS DAD SAYS TO HIM AND HE GROWS UP TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT WHICH IS A VERY BORING JOB BUT HE IS ALSO A SUPERHERO WITH THE POWER TO SHOOT PLASTIC LIGHTNING BOLTS OUT OF HIS HANDS!!! CRAP SUDDENLY A BAD GUY APPEARS AND IS TEARING UP A BANK WITH HIS BEAR HANDS BECAUSE HE IS PART BEAR AND THE SUPERHERO ACCOUNTANT RUNS TO THE BANK AND STABS OUT THE BAD GUYS EYEBALLS!!! THE NEWSPAPERS ARE HAPPY AND REPORT ABOUT A HERO EXCEPT FOR ONE BECAUSE IT IS AN ASS PAPER AND IT SAYS THAT THE SUPERHERO WAS THE BAD GUY BECAUSE HE KILLED AN INNOCENT BEAR AND ALSO HE WAS THE ONE WHO DESTROYED THAT BUS! WITH BOMBS!!!
SO THE SUPERHERO PUNCHES A TELEPHONE!@!!#
WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME HE SCREAMS AND THEN JESUS COMES DOWN FROM SPACE AND SAYS WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP OR I'M GOING TO EXPLODE YOUR FEET! THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS THE SUPERHERO SAYS AND THEN THEY START PUNCHING EACH OTHER AND JESUS HEAD FLIES OFF LIKE IN ROCKEM SOCKEM ROBOTS!!! THEY SHOULD MAKE A ROCKEM SOCKEM ROBOTS MOVIE WITH LOTS OF HIGH DRAMA AND ACTION AND BRITTANY MURPHY AS THE RED ROBOT'S GIRLFRIEND!!!
SUDDENLY THE CATHOLIC POPE COMES TO AMERICA TO BEAT UP THE SUPERHERO FOR KNOCKING JESUS'S BLOCK OFF BECAUSE THE POPE CAN SHOOT REAL LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HANDS BUT THE SUPERHERO CAN ALSO CLIMB UP TRUCKS AND THE POPE CAN'T SO THE SUPERHERO HAS THE ADVANTAGE AND THE TRUCK DRIVES AWAY AND THE SUPERHERO LAUGHS AND THEN THE POPE GETS IN A HELICOPTER!!!
THERE ARE ADORABLE PUPPIES ON TV!!! HOLD ON I HAVE TO WATCH THEM! I LOVE PUPPIES!!!!
SO THE POPE IS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND THEN HE LANDS ON THE TRUCK AND HE GETS OUT AND THE SUPERHERO AND THE POPE KUNG FU FIGHT!!! ROCK MUSIC IS BLARING AND THE FIGHT IS INTENSE AND THE TRUCK IS DRIVING AND THE HELICOPTER FLIES AWAY AND A OLD LADY SAYS NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING!!!!! THE POPE IS DEAD NOW!!!
THE SUPERHERO FLIES BACK TO HIS HOME PLANET OF SATURANUPTUNE!!! HE EATS A HEALTHY MEAL OF MOON ROCKS AND WATCHES THE GLARPNOB AND HIS WIFE IS LIKE HELLO HONEY I PREPARED YOU A HEALTHY MEAL OF MOON ROCKS AND NOW LETS MAKE 12 BABIES!!! IT IS SEXY TIME IN SPACE!!!!!!!!
THE NEXT DAY THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF GOVERNMENTS HAS A MEETING AND A PRESIDENT OF A PLANET IS ASSASSINED AND THE SUPERHERO HAS TO FIND THE KILLERS AND SAVE THE PRESIDENT!!! HE GOES TO A BUILDING AND FIGHTS A NINJA AND THEN THE BUILDING EXPLODES BUT HE ESCAPES! JESSICA BIEL IS VERY PRETTY I THINK SHE SHOULD PLAY THE SPACE WIFE!!! THEN HE GOES TO A BOXING MATCH AND HE WATCHES THE BOXERS BOXING AND THEN HE TALKS TO A GUY WITH SUNGLASSES AND THE GUY HANDS HIM AN ENVELOPE AND THERE IS MUCH INTRIGUE BECAUSE WHAT IS INSIDE COULD IT BE A MICROCHIP OR DOCUMENTS!?
THEN THE SUPERHERO GOES TO A BUILDING AND HE TALKS TO A GUY AT A DESK AND THE GUY IS ALL SO YOU KNOW MY EVIL PLANS AND THEN HE THROWS THE SUPERHERO INTO THE PAST AND THE SUPERHERO FIGHTS SOME RAPTORS!!! RAPTORS ARE THE COOLEST DINOSAUR EVEN COOLER THAN THE T-REX!!!!!
THE SUPERHERO TEACHES CAVEMEN TO USE FIRE AND COOK BONES AND THE CAVEMEN TEACH THE SUPERMAN HOW TO THROW ROCKS AT OTHER ROCKS!!!
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SUPERHERO GOES TO THE FUTURE WHERE THE GUY IS AND HE USES EVERYTHING HE HAS LEARNED TO DEFEAT THE BAD GUY AND THEN THE POLICE SHOW UP AND HAUL THE BAD GUY AWAY AND THEN A REPORTER SAYS HOW DID YOU KNOW HOW TO DEFEAT HIM AND THE SUPERHERO SAYS IT IS ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON AND THEN HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH A PAINT BRUSH!!!!!!!!
THE CREDITS ROLL AND THERE IS A NEW SONG MADE FOR THE MOVIE BY HIT SENSATIONAL FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE IS A PREVIEW OF THE MOVIE!!!
MAX APPLESAUCE AND THE MAGICAL TRAGICAL UNICORN
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Max Applesauce and the Mysterious Murder Mystery of Murder! Part 3
Max Applesauce began to stir as a sharp pain washed over him, followed by a dull throbbing in the top of his head. He opened his eyes and tried to bring a hand up to them, but they were bound by something.
"Sorry about that, old chap, but I had to knock you out so I could bring you to my mansion without any trouble or punches to my groin," came a voice from the dark figure from the end of Part 2. He was sitting at the far end of a long dining table in a dimly lit but nicely decorated room that smelled a bit like strawberries.
"Hey, I got those crusty eye booger things and they're driving me nuts," Max Applesauce replied.
"Oh, sure thing." The man stood up from his chair, his face entering the light, allowing Max Applesauce to see his face for the first time since the beginning of the story.
"John J. Explosionface!" Max Applesauce exclaimed.
"Yeah, hey. Hold on, let me just undo this," John J. Explosionface said as he came around the table and untied Max Applesauce's right hand.
Max Applesauce brought the freed hand up to his eyes and wiped the gunk from them. He wiped his hand on his pants and then laid it back on the arm rest of the chair. John J. Explosionface retied the rope around the arm rest and Max Applesauce's wrist.
"Is that good?" he asked.
"It was a little tighter before, I think," Max Applesauce replied.
"How about now?"
"Yeah, that seems about right."
"Cool." John J. Explosionface quickly turned and headed back down to the far end of the table.
"Why did you bring me here?" Max Applesauce, uh... asked.
"Hold on! Let me sit down and get ready."
"Sorry."
John J. Explosionface sat down in his chair at the other end of the table. "Alright. Alright, I'm good."
"Ok. Why did you bring me here?"
John J. Explosionface shot to his feet, his face entering the light once again.
"John J. Explosionface!" Max Applesauce exclaimed.
"The one and only! I brought you here, Mr. Max Applesauce, because you have gotten dangerously close to discovering my plan, which I will divulge to you now. You see, you weren't the one who shot that man in the city."
Max Applesauce was shocked. "I wasn't?"
"No," John J. Explosionface stated as a gleeful smile began to emerge. "In fact, you had nothing to do with it. You see, I planted the bullet at a high velocity in the man's body to frame you. Of course, being the compassionate son of a bananaphone you are, you gladly scooped the man up and carried him to the hospital. But little did you realize that the bullet was causing him to bleed to death too fast for you to get to the hospital in time to let the doctors make the bullet stop making him bleed to death! Just as I had planned, the man died right outside the hospital, where I had a friend waiting for you."
"You don't mean..."
"SHUT UP!"
Just then, and not at any other time, Detective Zyboat emerged from the shadows. "That's right, Max Applesauce. Me. You see, I knew you were innocent. But I'm a crooked cop and John J. Explosionface was paying me to arrest you for the murder of that man who died! Of murder!"
"Unfortunately," John J. Explosionface interrupted, "Detective Zyboat here didn't count on you pulling your arm away and then running. He had his police buddies chase you once you got on that boat, but you somehow managed to slip away once again. When I found your body washed up on shore this morning as I was taking my daily frolic, I knew I had to act fast. Anyway, blah blah blah, and now you're here. But, what to do with you," John J. Explosionface wondered out loud.
Detective Zyboat pulled out a gun, aiming it at Max Applesauce. "I say we shoot him." Zyboat suddenly heard the click of a revolver as the cold metal pressed up against the back of his skull.
"Perhaps, detective. But we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for your imcompetence," John J. Explosionface whispered into Zyboat's ear.
"But, I-"
"Goodbye," John J. Explosionface coldly uttered as his finger pulled the trigger. As the shot rang out through the halls of the mansion, Detective Zyboat's lifeless body fell limply to the floor.
"Hey! Not cool!" Max Applesauce yelled.
"No, you're stupid!" retorted John J. Explosionface as he lifted the gun so that it was pointing squarely at Max Applesauce's face. "It's been fun, Max Applesauce, but I'm afraid you've overstayed your welcome."
Suddenly, a scream erupted just outside the window. "DEUS EX MACHINA!!! YYYYAAAAAARRRRR HARRRR HAR HAR HAR HARRRRRRR!!!"
The wall exploded from the force of a large and happy narwhale crashing into the mansion's dining room! John J. Explosionface was crushed under the weight of the mammal fish before he could even scream, and Max Applesauce was somehow pushed aside to safety and also the ropes became untied and he got up onto his feet and didn't have any scratches on him. As the dust settled, Captain Arthur McRuntpunch walked up to Max Applesauce.
"How ye doin', me boy? Hope ye don't mind me crashin' the party. I brought along a date, too, if'n that be alright! Yarrr!"
The two men laughed and then rode the happy narwhale back to the city, and they were best friends forever. 4 months later, Captain McRuntpunch was hit by a train. Fortunately, it was the Soul Train! Funkalicious, brotha!
The end.
"Sorry about that, old chap, but I had to knock you out so I could bring you to my mansion without any trouble or punches to my groin," came a voice from the dark figure from the end of Part 2. He was sitting at the far end of a long dining table in a dimly lit but nicely decorated room that smelled a bit like strawberries.
"Hey, I got those crusty eye booger things and they're driving me nuts," Max Applesauce replied.
"Oh, sure thing." The man stood up from his chair, his face entering the light, allowing Max Applesauce to see his face for the first time since the beginning of the story.
"John J. Explosionface!" Max Applesauce exclaimed.
"Yeah, hey. Hold on, let me just undo this," John J. Explosionface said as he came around the table and untied Max Applesauce's right hand.
Max Applesauce brought the freed hand up to his eyes and wiped the gunk from them. He wiped his hand on his pants and then laid it back on the arm rest of the chair. John J. Explosionface retied the rope around the arm rest and Max Applesauce's wrist.
"Is that good?" he asked.
"It was a little tighter before, I think," Max Applesauce replied.
"How about now?"
"Yeah, that seems about right."
"Cool." John J. Explosionface quickly turned and headed back down to the far end of the table.
"Why did you bring me here?" Max Applesauce, uh... asked.
"Hold on! Let me sit down and get ready."
"Sorry."
John J. Explosionface sat down in his chair at the other end of the table. "Alright. Alright, I'm good."
"Ok. Why did you bring me here?"
John J. Explosionface shot to his feet, his face entering the light once again.
"John J. Explosionface!" Max Applesauce exclaimed.
"The one and only! I brought you here, Mr. Max Applesauce, because you have gotten dangerously close to discovering my plan, which I will divulge to you now. You see, you weren't the one who shot that man in the city."
Max Applesauce was shocked. "I wasn't?"
"No," John J. Explosionface stated as a gleeful smile began to emerge. "In fact, you had nothing to do with it. You see, I planted the bullet at a high velocity in the man's body to frame you. Of course, being the compassionate son of a bananaphone you are, you gladly scooped the man up and carried him to the hospital. But little did you realize that the bullet was causing him to bleed to death too fast for you to get to the hospital in time to let the doctors make the bullet stop making him bleed to death! Just as I had planned, the man died right outside the hospital, where I had a friend waiting for you."
"You don't mean..."
"SHUT UP!"
Just then, and not at any other time, Detective Zyboat emerged from the shadows. "That's right, Max Applesauce. Me. You see, I knew you were innocent. But I'm a crooked cop and John J. Explosionface was paying me to arrest you for the murder of that man who died! Of murder!"
"Unfortunately," John J. Explosionface interrupted, "Detective Zyboat here didn't count on you pulling your arm away and then running. He had his police buddies chase you once you got on that boat, but you somehow managed to slip away once again. When I found your body washed up on shore this morning as I was taking my daily frolic, I knew I had to act fast. Anyway, blah blah blah, and now you're here. But, what to do with you," John J. Explosionface wondered out loud.
Detective Zyboat pulled out a gun, aiming it at Max Applesauce. "I say we shoot him." Zyboat suddenly heard the click of a revolver as the cold metal pressed up against the back of his skull.
"Perhaps, detective. But we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for your imcompetence," John J. Explosionface whispered into Zyboat's ear.
"But, I-"
"Goodbye," John J. Explosionface coldly uttered as his finger pulled the trigger. As the shot rang out through the halls of the mansion, Detective Zyboat's lifeless body fell limply to the floor.
"Hey! Not cool!" Max Applesauce yelled.
"No, you're stupid!" retorted John J. Explosionface as he lifted the gun so that it was pointing squarely at Max Applesauce's face. "It's been fun, Max Applesauce, but I'm afraid you've overstayed your welcome."
Suddenly, a scream erupted just outside the window. "DEUS EX MACHINA!!! YYYYAAAAAARRRRR HARRRR HAR HAR HAR HARRRRRRR!!!"
The wall exploded from the force of a large and happy narwhale crashing into the mansion's dining room! John J. Explosionface was crushed under the weight of the mammal fish before he could even scream, and Max Applesauce was somehow pushed aside to safety and also the ropes became untied and he got up onto his feet and didn't have any scratches on him. As the dust settled, Captain Arthur McRuntpunch walked up to Max Applesauce.
"How ye doin', me boy? Hope ye don't mind me crashin' the party. I brought along a date, too, if'n that be alright! Yarrr!"
The two men laughed and then rode the happy narwhale back to the city, and they were best friends forever. 4 months later, Captain McRuntpunch was hit by a train. Fortunately, it was the Soul Train! Funkalicious, brotha!
The end.
Max Applesauce and the Mysterious Murder Mystery of Murder! Part 2
And now, Part 2 of Max Applesauce Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
As Max Applesauce and Captain Arthur McRuntpunch and the boat they were on sailed across the mighty seas towards Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte, the salty sea captain regailed the freaktastical Max Applesauce. Regailed him with tales. Tales of the seas!
"Yarr, there we were, surrounded on all sides by scallywag landlubbers all a-brewin' fer a beatin'. Had to be at least thirty men, and me and me crew were narry more than a half dozen. Suddenly, a dance-mule jumped out of the trees, yellin', 'GYAH I'M A DANCE-MULE!' And that's how I met yer mother, wee lassie," said the captain as he brushed a tear from his crusty blue eye and reached for his bottle of finely aged rum.
Without warning, Max Applesauce lept to his feet. "Uh oh! Look, it's the police in a fancy action police boat! They're closing in fast from the wicky wicky wicky wild wild west!" he expressed through the production of audible sequences of concatenated sounds of a language.
"PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE OCEAN AND GET OUT OF THE BOAT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!" screeched a shrill voice into the big talkie loudie horn on the police boat.
"Arrr a-har har har har harrr!" laughed Captain McRuntpunch, "I've got more than a few tricks up me sleeve. Like three more! Never fear, young whippersnapper. It may not look it, but me ship is just as fine a swimmer under the water as it is on top."
With a wink and a nod, the captain lifted a large sledgehammer over his head and swung it straight down into the deck of the ship. Water began to rush into the boat as the captain furiously smashed chunks of the floor into Oblivion, featuring the voice of Patrick Stewart.
"HEY, FRUITCUPS! I SAYS TO PULL THAT SHIZZY OVER, YO! WE IS THE POLICE AND WE BE GETTIN' SICK OF YO' MALARKY UP IN HERE!"
"Eat barnacles, ye saltblublublublublublublub," the captain retorted as the ship dove deep into the depths of deeply depth-filled waters.
"OH SNAP, SON! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!? THE BOAT TOTALLY VANISHED LIKE A HAPPY NARWHALE!"
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK INTO THE MEGAPHONE. I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, YOU FAT SMELLY JERK."
Max Applesauce, while quite amazing, was not capable of breathing underwater. He tried desperately to jumpkick the oxygen away from the hydrogen so that he could put it in his lungs, but this was beyond even the crumbelievable Max Applesauce. Before anyone, including me, even knew it, Max Applesauce was unconscious and wet.
Max Applesauce suddenly felt a small kick to the side of his head. As he opened his eyes, his pupils desperately trying to adjust to the intense sunlight pouring down on his face, he could see a dark figure looming over him.
"Welcome, Max Applesauce," said the figure, "Welcome to Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte. Or Z.V.W.Gism, as the kids like to call it."
To be continued...
As Max Applesauce and Captain Arthur McRuntpunch and the boat they were on sailed across the mighty seas towards Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte, the salty sea captain regailed the freaktastical Max Applesauce. Regailed him with tales. Tales of the seas!
"Yarr, there we were, surrounded on all sides by scallywag landlubbers all a-brewin' fer a beatin'. Had to be at least thirty men, and me and me crew were narry more than a half dozen. Suddenly, a dance-mule jumped out of the trees, yellin', 'GYAH I'M A DANCE-MULE!' And that's how I met yer mother, wee lassie," said the captain as he brushed a tear from his crusty blue eye and reached for his bottle of finely aged rum.
Without warning, Max Applesauce lept to his feet. "Uh oh! Look, it's the police in a fancy action police boat! They're closing in fast from the wicky wicky wicky wild wild west!" he expressed through the production of audible sequences of concatenated sounds of a language.
"PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE OCEAN AND GET OUT OF THE BOAT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!" screeched a shrill voice into the big talkie loudie horn on the police boat.
"Arrr a-har har har har harrr!" laughed Captain McRuntpunch, "I've got more than a few tricks up me sleeve. Like three more! Never fear, young whippersnapper. It may not look it, but me ship is just as fine a swimmer under the water as it is on top."
With a wink and a nod, the captain lifted a large sledgehammer over his head and swung it straight down into the deck of the ship. Water began to rush into the boat as the captain furiously smashed chunks of the floor into Oblivion, featuring the voice of Patrick Stewart.
"HEY, FRUITCUPS! I SAYS TO PULL THAT SHIZZY OVER, YO! WE IS THE POLICE AND WE BE GETTIN' SICK OF YO' MALARKY UP IN HERE!"
"Eat barnacles, ye saltblublublublublublublub," the captain retorted as the ship dove deep into the depths of deeply depth-filled waters.
"OH SNAP, SON! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!? THE BOAT TOTALLY VANISHED LIKE A HAPPY NARWHALE!"
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK INTO THE MEGAPHONE. I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, YOU FAT SMELLY JERK."
Max Applesauce, while quite amazing, was not capable of breathing underwater. He tried desperately to jumpkick the oxygen away from the hydrogen so that he could put it in his lungs, but this was beyond even the crumbelievable Max Applesauce. Before anyone, including me, even knew it, Max Applesauce was unconscious and wet.
Max Applesauce suddenly felt a small kick to the side of his head. As he opened his eyes, his pupils desperately trying to adjust to the intense sunlight pouring down on his face, he could see a dark figure looming over him.
"Welcome, Max Applesauce," said the figure, "Welcome to Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte. Or Z.V.W.Gism, as the kids like to call it."
To be continued...
Max Applesauce and the Mysterious Murder Mystery of Murder! Part 1
SOMETIMES THIS GUY I KNOW WRITES STORIES ABOUT ME SO I DECIDED TO TAKE HIS OLD STORIES AND PUT THEM HERE AND IF HE EVER HAS A NEW STORY I'LL PUT IT HERE TOO! HERE IS THE STORY NOW! IT HAS 3 PARTS! THIS IS PART 1!
---
It was a hot and balmy day in lower middle downtown, and Max Applesauce was busy doing Max Applesauce things. He also had a delicious hot dog. Hot dogs are a good source of calcium and meats, you know. Max Applesauce eats a lot of hot dogs. It makes him beefy. He is able to freely kick over goats at will.
As Max Applesauce strolled merrily down the busy city street, a shot rang out. He wasn't walking in the middle of the street. He was walking on the sidewalk. Anyway, he heard the shot with one or maybe both of his ears and turned in the general direction. Then he heard a scream.
"Oh my God, he's been shot!" screamed either dog crap smeared on a burlap sack or an ungodly hideous woman.
Max Applesauce darted across the street towards the scene of the crime. A man lay on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, but Max Applesauce could not see who it was through the throngs of people fleeing from the vicinity. When Max Applesauce finally arrived at the body, it was too late. He had already been shot. Not a second time. Just once, from that first time.
Max Applesauce knelt down beside the man, scooping him up into his arms. "It's okay. I've got you," Max Applesauce calmly stated. The man said nothing as he stared up at Max Applesauce.
In a flash, Max Applesauce was bounding over people and cars in a valiant effort to get to the hospital. Which he eventually did. However, before Max Applesauce could walk through the doors, the man grabbed his shirt and whispered into his earhole.
"John... J... Ex..."
With one final gasp, the man died in Max Applesauce's big man arms.
"Well well well, what do we have here?" came a voice not at all familiar to Max Applesauce.
Max Applesauce turned around to see a short black man wearing a black suit and some kind of dark hair on the top of his head. The suit was like a business suit or something, not like a gorilla suit or anything silly like that.
"This man has been shot!" Max Applesauce called out.
"By you?" asked the man.
Max Applesauce blinked. "No, by someone else that isn't me."
"I am Detective Harmond Zyboat, and you're going to have to accompany me to the station. The police station!" With that, the young detective reached out his hand to take Max Applesauce's hand, which caused him to drop the corpse. The two men walked hand in hand down the street to the police station.
"I'm innocent!" exclaimed Max Applesauce.
"That's what they all say. Even the innocent ones!"
"But you have to believe me! I was taking him to the hospital. Why would I shoot him and then carry his corpse to the hospital?"
"Because," shot back the hotshot detective, "you want it look like you didn't shoot him by pretending to try to help him after you shot him for reasons unbeknownst to mankind!"
"Oooh. You're good!" The dynamic Max Applesauce suddenly ripped his hand away from the police guy and ran out the police door. "But I'm quicker!"
The brassy Detective Zyboat gave chase to the incredible Max Applesauce in a chase right off this page and into your heart! As Max Applesauce ran through the winding city streets towards the city harbour, Detective Zyboat kept pace with him, yelling for him to stop and be under arrest. But the wild detective was not expecting to crash into a bunch of cardboard boxes with a fruit stand hiding behind them and two guys carrying a big plate of glass right behind the fruit stand! Max Applesauce successfully escaped.
When Max Applesauce reached the harbour, he jumpkicked onto a boat, yelling, "Follow that cab!"
The old briny sea captain turned to him, a fire in his eyes and a song in his heart and a worm in his lower intestines, and said with a wry smile, "Yarrrr, I be Captain Arthur McRuntpunch, and if ye be wantin' ta go ta Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte, I be the right vessel and me ship be the finest captain fer ye to be selecting at this particular junction in time! Har."
"Sounds good!" Max Applesauce said with a chipper attitude that made all the ladies swoon.
To Be Continued...
---
It was a hot and balmy day in lower middle downtown, and Max Applesauce was busy doing Max Applesauce things. He also had a delicious hot dog. Hot dogs are a good source of calcium and meats, you know. Max Applesauce eats a lot of hot dogs. It makes him beefy. He is able to freely kick over goats at will.
As Max Applesauce strolled merrily down the busy city street, a shot rang out. He wasn't walking in the middle of the street. He was walking on the sidewalk. Anyway, he heard the shot with one or maybe both of his ears and turned in the general direction. Then he heard a scream.
"Oh my God, he's been shot!" screamed either dog crap smeared on a burlap sack or an ungodly hideous woman.
Max Applesauce darted across the street towards the scene of the crime. A man lay on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, but Max Applesauce could not see who it was through the throngs of people fleeing from the vicinity. When Max Applesauce finally arrived at the body, it was too late. He had already been shot. Not a second time. Just once, from that first time.
Max Applesauce knelt down beside the man, scooping him up into his arms. "It's okay. I've got you," Max Applesauce calmly stated. The man said nothing as he stared up at Max Applesauce.
In a flash, Max Applesauce was bounding over people and cars in a valiant effort to get to the hospital. Which he eventually did. However, before Max Applesauce could walk through the doors, the man grabbed his shirt and whispered into his earhole.
"John... J... Ex..."
With one final gasp, the man died in Max Applesauce's big man arms.
"Well well well, what do we have here?" came a voice not at all familiar to Max Applesauce.
Max Applesauce turned around to see a short black man wearing a black suit and some kind of dark hair on the top of his head. The suit was like a business suit or something, not like a gorilla suit or anything silly like that.
"This man has been shot!" Max Applesauce called out.
"By you?" asked the man.
Max Applesauce blinked. "No, by someone else that isn't me."
"I am Detective Harmond Zyboat, and you're going to have to accompany me to the station. The police station!" With that, the young detective reached out his hand to take Max Applesauce's hand, which caused him to drop the corpse. The two men walked hand in hand down the street to the police station.
"I'm innocent!" exclaimed Max Applesauce.
"That's what they all say. Even the innocent ones!"
"But you have to believe me! I was taking him to the hospital. Why would I shoot him and then carry his corpse to the hospital?"
"Because," shot back the hotshot detective, "you want it look like you didn't shoot him by pretending to try to help him after you shot him for reasons unbeknownst to mankind!"
"Oooh. You're good!" The dynamic Max Applesauce suddenly ripped his hand away from the police guy and ran out the police door. "But I'm quicker!"
The brassy Detective Zyboat gave chase to the incredible Max Applesauce in a chase right off this page and into your heart! As Max Applesauce ran through the winding city streets towards the city harbour, Detective Zyboat kept pace with him, yelling for him to stop and be under arrest. But the wild detective was not expecting to crash into a bunch of cardboard boxes with a fruit stand hiding behind them and two guys carrying a big plate of glass right behind the fruit stand! Max Applesauce successfully escaped.
When Max Applesauce reached the harbour, he jumpkicked onto a boat, yelling, "Follow that cab!"
The old briny sea captain turned to him, a fire in his eyes and a song in his heart and a worm in his lower intestines, and said with a wry smile, "Yarrrr, I be Captain Arthur McRuntpunch, and if ye be wantin' ta go ta Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte, I be the right vessel and me ship be the finest captain fer ye to be selecting at this particular junction in time! Har."
"Sounds good!" Max Applesauce said with a chipper attitude that made all the ladies swoon.
To Be Continued...
IT IS TIME FOR BLAGGING!
ONCE UPON A TIME HI I AM MAX APPLESAUCE AND I HAD A BLOG ONCE BUT I ONLY UPDATED IT LIKE ONE TIME AND THEN NEVER TOUCHED IT AGAIN AND NOW I FORGOT THE PASSWORD TO GET INTO IT SO HERE I AM WITH A NEW BLOG JUST LIKE THE OLD BLOG! THIS ONE I PLAN ON UPDATING MORE! MAYBE THREE TIMES!
I WANT TO SHARE MY OLD STUFF WITH YOU THE VIEWER SO I WILL DO THAT FIRST IN A SERIES OF NEW UPDATES OF OLD CONTENT FOR ENTERTAINMENT OF YOU SO EXTREME YOU WILL CRAP VARIOUS DOCUMENTS!
I WANT TO SHARE MY OLD STUFF WITH YOU THE VIEWER SO I WILL DO THAT FIRST IN A SERIES OF NEW UPDATES OF OLD CONTENT FOR ENTERTAINMENT OF YOU SO EXTREME YOU WILL CRAP VARIOUS DOCUMENTS!
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